I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
