you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
