Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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