I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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