mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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