Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You were trust falling into bushes
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
