My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
