My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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