The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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