I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He did a backflip because drugs
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
