WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
