Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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