I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My life is pants optional.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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