so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
