Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
