I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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