giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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