So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
