chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
