Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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