Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
