My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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