Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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