I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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