You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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