If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
