He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
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