if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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