I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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