Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
