At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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