Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
