just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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