DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
