I only kidnapped one of them. chill
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
