So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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