Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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