how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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