She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
