I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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