did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
