So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
