I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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