They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
