Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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