Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He felt like a one man threesome
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
