So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Acid is not a monday night drug
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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