Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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