I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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