i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
