No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
