my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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