I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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