I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
